walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We got so high we made milksteak
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
