he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
