Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
