No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
