god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
