Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
