I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
