I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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