Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
