I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
