At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
