Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
