i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
