I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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