Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
