He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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