I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
