im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Randomize
