tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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