she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
3 2 1 whiskey
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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