nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
