I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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