My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize