she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
