drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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