at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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