Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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