Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
