Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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