You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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