You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
