If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just pee around me
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
