I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
