I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
