nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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