Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
