it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We are all done wearing pants today
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize