I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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