Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
