i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
