this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
