??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
