Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
