I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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