So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Randomize
