get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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