If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Someone shattered a urinal.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
