Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I smell stomach acid.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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