After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
