I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
