I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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