So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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