You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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