When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
