lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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