I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
