You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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