I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
